S1 E15: Mastering the Art of Powerful Communications
Effective communication is the foundation of all successful relationships, whether personal or professional. Are you ready to take your communication skills to the next level and become a master of persuasion and connection? In this episode, we're exploring the art of communication, a critical skill that can help you succeed in every aspect of your life.
Whether you're a natural conversationalist or looking to improve your ability to connect with others, understanding the principles of effective communication is essential. We'll explore the science behind how we communicate, how to listen actively, how to convey your message clearly, and how to build rapport with others.
So, get ready to sharpen your communication skills and unlock your full potential with the power of effective communication. This episode is your ultimate guide to becoming a skilled communicator and achieving your goals.
Topics discussed in today's episode:
Communication is not just broadcasting. It’s a two-way thing. 1:53
Communication is all about personal growth. 6:20
How do we communicate with each other? 8:06
Your communication skills are like going to the gym. 12:51
How the brain works and how to use it. 14:35
When do you feel most conscious when communicating? When do you have an unconscious way of communicating? 19:25
What is the impact of conscious vs unconscious communication? 21:44
It’s the best way that organisations can have a written record. 26:08
Why you need to be careful with email social communication. 28.08
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SHOW NOTES:
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
communication, people, communicate, communicating, organisation, conscious, skills, communication skills, unconscious, email, relationships, brain, understand, develop, body language, face, careful, diagram, filters, react
You're listening to Knowing me, Knowing you, the podcast that explores the art and science of creating, developing and retaining brilliant teams. I'm your host, Emma Clayton. Join me weekly for practical advice, simple steps, and inspirational ideas as we discuss topics that make a difference to leaders and their teams. I'll be sharing all the tools and having conversations that help you to build and sustain by performing. Welcome to the Knowing me Knowing you podcast.
Emma Clayton 00:47
Hello, and welcome to this next episode of knowing me, knowing you, the art and science of brilliant teams. So today, to get right into it, I will be looking at communication, the basics of communication, and how we like to communicate and understand the others around us how they like to communicate. We're going to look at the workplace today particularly. And if you've listened to any of my other podcasts, you know that I hate soft skills being called soft skills, their power skills.
And so today, we will talk about one of the biggest power skills: communication. And, you know, unpacking communication, there's all sorts of different things in there, its behaviours, the written word, and all these qualities of understanding, empathy, and problem-solving. And I believe these are personal skills, powerful skills that you can cultivate and grow and transform over time. I mean, I'm in my 40s, and my communication skills are way better than they were in my 20s. And that's because I've cultivated and grown them and realised that, you know, my communication skills weren't so great.
And I was only ever thinking about how I communicated, like, why do you need all that detail? Why do you need to see it when I've just told you, you know, all of those things, and I see that with lots and lots of people around me because we are in our bubble. And our way of communicating, our maturity is not quite developed, because when we understand that this person here needs to see everything that I communicate with them, whether it's drawing a graph or a picture, then they're going to understand my message much quicker, without, you know, any frustration within the relationship.
And isn't that a great place for everyone to be because communication is not just broadcasting? This is why it's uncomfortable doing a podcast because I can't have a conversation. And I'm so excited to bring our guests on. So I can have those conversations because, you know, communication is a two-way thing. And two people are in conversation and that communication and often, you know, sometimes many more than that. And so we've got to think about the audience, and it landing a bit like selling skills, you've got to understand the needs of your audience before you can come up with it. So that's what today is all about. We will examine effective communication and why it's critical to business performance.
And, you know, why is it critical to business importance, um, I ask myself that a lot, and I get asked that a lot. And, you know, let's boil it down, it enables a company or pass them to be able to sustain and further develop their business through their relationships, whether, you know, it's through employee retention, or it's going out and getting new clients, or it's managing difficulties. You know, humans are messy, and we are not robots. Somewhere don't just show up every day with the same emotions, and those emotions can filter the communication that can impact relationships.
And so having good communication skills also offers you the opportunity to develop some really meaningful and authentic relationships. So whilst we are talking about the workplace, I also would invite you to think about all your relationships because this is what I did when I first got into this subject in my late 20s and early 30s. And then especially when I qualified in all of you know, this subject in my late 30s It did make me understand all my relationships, and you know, in time, I'll talk to you about my struggles with communication around my family; I've got very dysfunctional family or very different communicators to me. And my communication skills, even now, you know, I go back into childhood, you know, like you always do at Christmas, you will revert to being eight again, and, you know, the older brothers, my older brothers, you need kind of them to still talk to you like your 12-year-old.
And I think that happens, you know, every Christmas with every family. And I'm still developing my communication skills around my family because there's a lot of emotion in that. And it is easier to develop those communication skills with people we're not as close to that we haven't experienced life and traumas. You know, there are war wounds with people who have been in your life for 47 years, and your communication maturity can help you with some of those where you might struggle with those interpersonal relationships. And you know, and if you have got those with EX partners, children, family members, you know, this will help you. It's helped me, and on, you know, very good days, I can bring out this toolkit and navigate some of that dysfunctionality in my family. So it's all around personal growth. And that's why this week, we will focus on how you like communicating, exploring the options, and bringing those two ideas together. And you can start thinking and becoming more cerebral with our communication. And when I say cerebral, I mean where we think about our actions.
And we're saying, and we have a like a teeny mini strategy for this person might be very differently communicating than me. So how can I communicate in their way rather than that heart-centred emotional way of communicating where we feel something? I'm laughing because this is me feeling something and blurting it out; we have to get it out. So it's, you know, holding on and thinking and understanding our filters; we're going to go into this in future episodes; we're going to go into all of that psychology and how our attitudes and beliefs shape our communications and behaviours. But for now, let's start with some of the basics of communication.
Because, you know, let's face it, we're always constantly communicating with other people; there are changes in how we have almost advanced our communication because digital has gotten in the way. If you think about it, let's go back to 1000 years, when there was no digital, no technology, no television, our communication would be face to face, we would, you know, sit and have, we would meet people, you know, they get in their carriages. They would drive up occasionally and send a letter, but there weren't any digital emails or quick communication. So many people had time to think about how they were conversing with each other. And we, you know, generally, we will do it through three ways, we'll do it through our written word, we'll do it through our voice, which is very much driven, sort of as the air has progressed like telephones were invented, we would then communicate with our voice, and also to my body languages. So one of the things that I invite everybody in an organisation that lives and breeds and communicates by email is that you are losing your tone and body language, which is also a big communicator.
And here's a fact for you. 7% of how you communicate is written. I think it's about 34% tone of voice, which leaves the rest as body language. So if you communicate by email, you only communicate with 7% of your toolkit. And emojis are good, but emojis, you know, some people don't like emojis. But if you want to write an email, and I see a lot of people do this, they put a smiley face because that is their body language and their tone showing this is a non-aggressive request or something. So if you say this directly with the kids, or say the kids, I mean even I know the gen x is d there so I'll put a kiss on the end because that means that you know, with love, which you would show with a smile on your face or you know, a smile you can hear in someone's voice. It's lost when we communicate with emails, written word, text, etc.
So, it stands to reason that how we communicate is an essential skill to develop professionally because we've all different communication styles and developing these skills will be beneficial. And, you know, if you're a business owner, leader, senior leader, entrepreneur, you know, being able to communicate effectively and work collaboratively and present your ideas, with the impact, are skills that you will need daily. And Mike, as I've said this in many, many of the episodes, those that get this right do brilliantly; they are the people that perform the best because they can work and bring people together to move their business forward. So that's kind of what this is all about.
And you're probably thinking, Well, you know, why else? Should I care about this? Why should why else should you spend time learning this? Why can't people get on my page? Well, they could, you could, you could show up with that. But it's not broadening your skills to communicate with many different people. And you will come across people in life; you already have, I'm sure, that are not like you. And we can't run away and say, Well, I'm sorry, I'm not, I'm not changing, I'm not flexing the world needs to flex around me. That won't take you far in life, personally or professionally. So, you know, this is a critical, powerful skill, not a soft skill, a powerful skill, where you can achieve greater productivity.
And that's all through relationships. And that's why I'm so passionate about this subject. Because when we understand everyone else, we can tailor what we do for success. And who doesn't want that, who wants to be frustrated with people who are not like us? So you know, we're in a society where we have got fewer opportunities to meet people face to face, you know, as I record this, where, you know, a couple of years after the big fast lockdown in the UK from the Coronavirus pandemic, and we couldn't meet people face to face, we had to find these new ways to communicate. And we, you know, saw this big boom through these video platforms, or, you know, zoom and teams, etc.
And again, you could only see, you know, 1/3 of people's bodies, so we couldn't see if someone's foot was tapping with nervousness or frustration, you know, the little cues that you can pick up, we've lost that. And as the world continues to change, I think we have to get sharper and change our approach or list, you know, to how we communicate, because it is such a powerful skill that we got to learn how to navigate through the digital world. And actually, we're going to do an episode. In the future, around digital communication, we will spend a whole episode breaking that down. But I guess the one thing I want to add before we go into this is to think of it as like going to the gym; your communication skills are a muscle to flex. And I say that as a non-gym goer, which seems strange. I wouldn't say I like the gym. But I will very happily go into my communication gym every day and do this, which pays dividends.
And, you know, I've seen it pay dividends in so many ways. And when I've got it wrong, it isn't very pleasant. It isn't very pleasant because doing this takes patience, time, and energy. But it's like any skill, you know, driving, who could ever put their hands on the wheel? And another hand on a gear stick and a foot on a pedal that had to go through three simultaneously. It's using your left arm whilst you're also using your right arm to drive. I mean, when I was 17, when I started driving, I hated that hated it. I didn't know what to do, like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. I'm laughing, but I think you'd have everybody patting their head and rubbing their tummy.
But these are skills that, if you do them repeatedly, become a muscle and a default, and it becomes natural. So I would invite you to practice many of the things we discussed today and be conscious about your communication. So conscious, conscious communication. It's discussed much, but I don't think it's well understood. So I'm going to try and break this down for you. And there is a diagram in the show notes that you can go and download, and you can you know, if you're able to, if you're not able to, that's okay. You can when you finish a dog walking, your drive or wherever you're listening to this. You can come back and get it done from the show notes, but I'm going to try and visualise this as me now tapping into my flexing my communication skills because I've got to describe, in words, a visual diagram actively.
And this is all around how our brain and communication system work. And in Conscious Communication, you will actively listen and process what someone is saying to you and then respond instead of reacting or thinking about what your next is going to say; when somebody is talking, the key is conscious communication. So, for example, imagine that you're called into your boss's office, or if you've got your own business, it could be, you know, a client's office, and they ask you why a project hasn't been delivered on time. And within budget. Now, I know that that's, you know, a provoking scenario because that happens to many people.
But imagine if you wanted to have a strong emotional reaction because you hear you failed, they've implied that you failed. And your unconscious response would be to react to that. A conscious communication approach would be to listen to your boss without judgement or any of the filters we apply. And keep an open mind to understand what they're saying. And while you're listening to the information, ensure that you're breathing, taking deep breaths, because we can hold our breath in those situations and ride that wave of emotion that's triggering to you that you're not good enough or you're failing, or you're getting some horrible feedback. We don't want to listen; try and park it. Because when you finish listening, you can reflect and understand what they're trying to say and then respond calmly and rationally, and you will present with this emotional maturity. I know, even I struggle with this, sometimes I react, you know, without doing conscious communication because we all have triggers; we're all human. And as I say, We're all messy creatures.
But when you don't react from emotion but from a centred state, it means you can give a meaningful answer that helps both of you achieve the goal of delivering great work. So let me explain how the brain works; I will try visualising this graph for you. So if you imagine, you get stimuli or information so that somebody will say something to you. Right at the very top, then what will happen is your brain will filter either into if you think about the diagram at the top, you've got this brain, understanding the information, and then it can do two things, it can either go to one side, the left, where it will have this emotional brain reaction. And it is triggered by all of the filters we apply when we receive communication, or it can go into the conscious brain. So it can either go unconscious or conscious.
If it then goes unconscious, the brain thinks, Hang on, I've got to protect myself. And then the neuroscience of that is your amygdala, which is your little almond shape. the thing in the middle of your brain, which is responsible for your fight, is flight freeze. And it comes from, you know, primal times when Tigers would chase us, and we knew it was dangerous in the middle of a run or freeze or, and that's kicking in. So then protect, protect, you're telling yourself a story, you then convert what they're saying to you as a story. And then you react, and you don't react calmly. You react with sarcasm, defence, anger, whatever it might be. So that is one way you can process information. The second is if that stimuli and information go to the conscious brain's other side instead of your amygdala taking over your ears. And you listen.
And when you listen, you can process with some mindfulness. And then you can respond. So you've got a much more centred state. And I hope, as I've described, that it makes some sense if it makes no sense. And you are thinking, What the hell are you talking about? Go to the show notes because I got a lovely diagram from the University of Leeds; I'm going to get some credit because they drew that diagram. So let's think about any situation, whether at work, at home, with colleagues, or with friends. When do you feel most conscious when communicating? I know for me, as I've already said, I am most conscious When I communicate with clients when it is with people I work with, and I'm also really conscious 95% of the time when I communicate with my daughter. And I've noticed that I don't have an unconscious way of communicating because I'm careful that I don't want to say things my mom would have said to me at that age.
And I'm very open about the dysfunctionality in my family. And you know, I have a poor relationship with my mother, and I lost my dad six months ago. And I have two brothers. And my relationships have always been complicated with them. Because I haven't been able to keep a hold of my unconscious brain to many triggers and experiences. And I limit the time I spend with them to be very conscious about communicating with them. But as a result, it means I'm very conscious in my communication with my daughter because I don't want to repeat, and you know, family DNA, it repeats, you know, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But I've made a conscious decision to change the communication in my new family with my daughter to the communication I've had with my family. So I would invite you to think about, you know, where do you have conscious communication and unconscious communication? And what is the impact of that? Is there a scenario you've witnessed, witnessed, or seen where somebody reacted instead of responding calmly?
And, you know, what was the outcome? What was the last conversation around you where you knew you were conscious in your communication or another one where you were unconscious? Maybe you had a rapport with somebody this morning, and you were unconscious, and think, damn, I wish I'd been more conscious about how I reacted? And I think that just knowing this helps you go, Oh, this is an unconscious communication within me. I must listen. And I must take away the triggers. It's bloody difficult. But it's a really good tool. It's one of those again, like lifting weights, you've got to keep practising. And you've got to be able to, you know, really keep trying, and you're not always going to get it right. And you are going to do this unconscious, responding. But just being aware of it helps you. So the other thing I just wanted to go through with you today is the different ways people communicate at work; there is so much more on this subject.
And I could be here for days with you. But I'm conscious that I want to keep these podcast sizes to a nice level where you're walking the dog or on a commute and not here with me for hours on end. But I will leave you with some things to consider regarding your conscious and unconscious communication. And that's around communication styles and how people communicate at work. And this is basic stuff. But it's a really good reminder. I don't think there's anything new and what I'm about to tell you. But I think it's a good reminder. Because when I go through this with people, they go, Ah, yeah. And then what do you know that? Why did I not think about that? Because we can communicate in many different ways, we go to the default of our preference; I'm working with a global company that loves newsletters. They want to communicate anything; it's his first all in a newsletter. Is that a newsletter? Oh, we'll do a newsletter.
Oh, hang on, we know we might do a Skype meeting. No, let's do a newsletter. So there are lots of different ways to communicate. And let's not go to our default site. Let me go through them with you and think about what you're doing in your organisation, how you're communicating, and how you could use other methods of communication. I will share an adoption, ladder of communication for how to intervene with other communications to make people aware or persuade them. But let's do that in a different episode. As I said, I could do this forever. You can see how passionate I am about this stuff. So let's get to point number one face to face. So verbal communication ensures your audience understands the information you want to convey. Because there's no hidden meaning in your words, your tone of voice is your tone of voice, and your body language is your body language. You know, whilst you know we might not be body language experts, we can pick up cues. Use how people present and hold themselves and the foot tapping, or they're not looking and giving eye contact. And this is the best form of communication for when you want to get agreement or commitment or a to a very good, strong two-way dialogue because it's more subtle and personal and allows you to develop a much more intimate connection with the person you're talking to much more than any other communication.
And, you know, it's where you can have a strong, consistent message; you've got honesty and authenticity. And you can feel that because the body language is effective. And the language is very expressive, and you can see it in people's faces, so face-to-face is a really good quality. Communication. And I would say this is best used when you're trying to get people on board with something; you're trying to get a commitment or make a decision or, you know, have a positive conflict around a topic; this is the face-to-face of where it needs to be. Then you've got the email, which we know is the most widely used form of written communication. It's the best way organisations can have a written record, you know, everyone that, oh my god, do you have this in your organisation? I used to work in an organisation where everybody would email everything, even after a meeting; they would then email to cover their ass; stop emailing to cover your ass, stop it, I know that you got to have the summary and the follow up of the meeting, but it makes people feel like, are you going to come to me at some point? If you're documenting our conversations, you know you will use this against me; it is the worst way to behave in an organisation.
How does that even give someone psychological safety or trust? Please stop using it to document your meetings; yes, have a hard copy. But you can do that in a written form. It can be to confirm arrangements; it could be to confirm even a deal. It could be to share attachments, great emails have a good use, but we overuse them. We're lazy with them. And we're losing the art of relationship building as a result because words, tone of voice or can be misinterpreted somebody could be in a rush, fire it down somebody who needs a bit more than do this do that is offended, you know, they then put their filters on on their unconscious brain says that person's a decade. You know, messages also come across too formal; we are all, at some point, guilty of being too formal to professional, and in our communications, we're not building relationships by breaking down some of that hard surface of the old professional world that I certainly grew up in, in the 80s 90s.
And also, if too much content is included in the email, the whole thing can be overlooked. And it can be boring, and it's too much to read, and it gets parked, and it goes into somebody's, you know, read for later fold and then never gets read. And I know you're probably laughing at this because how many people have gone? I'll read that later and never read it. So be really, really careful with email. social communication. This is interesting because this is part of this new digital revolution. It is an informal approach to written communication. And people are using WhatsApp and slack. Now teams and all of these different Google has got a chat function, you know, under its email function.
And they're effective for quickly communicating short messages or queries. And yes, it can feel more personal and does encourage employees to share ideas and feedback in real-time. But I want you to be careful because we still don't have social norms and boundaries around this. And whilst it can be informal, it can also escalate conversations quickly. And you know, once you responded with that unconscious brain, you can't take those words back on many of these things. So you got to be really, really careful. And also, you know, if you think something's important and urgent, you will pin it on one of these channels. Still, the recipient might not and then might feel like you're disrespecting their time, so these boundaries or norms in the environment need to be considered, so I want you to consider that in your organisation. Social media, again, it's another advantage that people are using more organisations are using it. The great advantage is that you can receive news in real-time. Platforms like LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook are great for communication and external client communication.
But again, just be careful because it can be overwhelming. We can get trolled, we can, you know, our opinion, we can very much assert it on somebody else. And whilst it can be fun in one, it can be very, very. Are we dysfunctional? Another, I wouldn't say I like social media for internal communications; it's okay for external; we've got to be, again, very careful; it's got to come from the conscious brain. That video chat. The greatest advantage of video chat is that it allows people to communicate verbally anywhere. So, you know, we've all been there where, you know, Auntie Doris is in Australia or your son's backpacking in Peru, or you've got a teammate in LA. You're in London, and another one in Berlin, and you know, it does give you access to brilliant people globally because you can bring everyone in. It saves travel costs and time. And it's instant and flexible. But again, be careful because although it is verbal communication, and it is better than the telephone because you do see people's faces, you again, you'd have written rules that everybody needs to share their face so that you can try and mimic as much face to face time as you can.
Rather than, you know, everybody turning their cameras off, not being present, people don't know if they are engaged. And also, you do get technological problems, poor quality audio, we've all been in the pandemic, you're on mute, or I can't hear you, or Wi-Fi is playing up, all of that stuff can get in the way there is nothing that's a better substitute than face to face. So I want you to think about one of your tasks this week: how in an organisation or even just in your life? Are you choosing to use your conscious or unconscious brain? And then, as a result, are you consciously choosing the best way platform means of communication that would fit the purpose?
Are you heavily reliant on emails and newsletters, and the written word? Are you overindulgent on your video calls? Are you spending too much time face-to-face to share non-important messages? Just think of the different communication methods you're using. And whether you're using them consciously or unconsciously. And that is what I'm going to leave you with today. There is no right or wrong answer, but the right answer is to sit and spend some time thinking about it. I'm going to pop up that diagram on the show notes. So have a look at it. I hope I described it well enough. But I'll be back soon.
And we're going to explore more about communication. In a few more episodes, say I will see you, then it's been great to be with you today. I'll see you next time. You have been listening to knowing me knowing you. If you would like to take your personality or team assessment, go to brilliant teams.org/store, and let's get you knowing you knowing them. Tell your friends about us and share the podcast with colleagues. But most importantly, come and listen to us again next week. See you soon.
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